Mothers' Guilt

“Congratulations Mrs Mum, you have a healthy baby boy/girl” That’s how most of us are introduced to parenthood. Instead, I think we should be told: “Congratulations Mrs. Mum, you have a healthy dose of guilt commencing soon” Having kids is a wonderful miracle. But the guilt that goes with being a parent, or a mum as I can identify with, is an amazing beast in itself.

As soon as you find out you’re pregnant, you start to feel guilty about what you have been eating or drinking.  Have you had any shrimp or soft cheese? Should you have had that glass of bubbly when you knew you were trying? And what about the things that you haven’t eaten? Is there enough folic acid in your diet? What’s folic acid?

Being a mum is such an underrated title for us but personally I don’t believe anyone other than other mums totally get it. We cook, clean, watch the kids, keep them safe/happy/stable etc, we are doctors, wives, psychologists, taxi drivers, entertainers but sometimes we forget to be... just us. And all of that aside, there are those of you that work and feel guilt for not being with your baby...

I realised (and still do from time to time) that I am not the person I used to be before kids. I worry more, I am more highly strung, I don’t see the funny side of things as much as I used to (probably due to sleep deprivation) and overall I have just become a bore – to myself. I can only imagine how the people around me must feel.

I decided this year that enough was enough. I started Pilates to work on a problem that was ‘gifted’ to me by my middle and youngest children. They were big boofers and this caused my abdominal muscles to tear apart. My abs (or lack thereof) just couldn’t hold it together anymore. So I have to do a series of core strengthening exercises for this to repair. So back to the Pilates. I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed it. It’s not just the actual Pilates but the fact that I am doing something for me, caring about myself enough to make the effort puts me in a better place in my mind, not to mention the serotonin released through exercise that just empowers me for the rest of the day.

When I signed up for the 12 week sessions, I walked out wondering if I had done the right thing. I felt guilt. Guilt for not being there that one day of the week when they wake in the morning (even though my husband is there and more than capable). Guilt for ‘making’ my husband ‘have to’ fill in for me whilst I do something fun (and critically important to my future health). That lasted until I had the first class. Now I walk out of the house and don’t even stop to check if there’s any bread in the pantry for their breakfast (ok, I admit it...I don’t check because I always make sure I have topped up on Friday). Well, I’m not a total bitch.

Pilates aside I started having dinners out with just my girlfriends maybe once every second month which gives me a break to eat a meal without my kids. I do still cook them dinner and make sure they have got to bed with a kiss from me because not feeling guilty about doing things for myself is not the same as not caring.

A mum I spoke to recently in a parent’s change room was running on five hours sleep and had two young kids to look after. When I asked about her family situation, she said she had help but didn’t.  This means there is help there if we ask for it and make it happen but otherwise, no – no one is going to offer to change the kids, make your lunch every now and then or give you an hour to sleep whilst they play with the kids.

I wish there was a secret formula that I could bottle and sell – but the truth is that everyone deserves to enjoy some of their own activities and no one is going to achieve them for you but you. If only we could be guilted into thinking our families happiness was reliant by our own, we would make such a greater effort to let go of some guilt and accept that we are doing the best job we can.