Mothers' Guilt

“Congratulations Mrs Mum, you have a healthy baby boy/girl” That’s how most of us are introduced to parenthood. Instead, I think we should be told: “Congratulations Mrs. Mum, you have a healthy dose of guilt commencing soon” Having kids is a wonderful miracle. But the guilt that goes with being a parent, or a mum as I can identify with, is an amazing beast in itself.

As soon as you find out you’re pregnant, you start to feel guilty about what you have been eating or drinking.  Have you had any shrimp or soft cheese? Should you have had that glass of bubbly when you knew you were trying? And what about the things that you haven’t eaten? Is there enough folic acid in your diet? What’s folic acid?

Being a mum is such an underrated title for us but personally I don’t believe anyone other than other mums totally get it. We cook, clean, watch the kids, keep them safe/happy/stable etc, we are doctors, wives, psychologists, taxi drivers, entertainers but sometimes we forget to be... just us. And all of that aside, there are those of you that work and feel guilt for not being with your baby...

I realised (and still do from time to time) that I am not the person I used to be before kids. I worry more, I am more highly strung, I don’t see the funny side of things as much as I used to (probably due to sleep deprivation) and overall I have just become a bore – to myself. I can only imagine how the people around me must feel.

I decided this year that enough was enough. I started Pilates to work on a problem that was ‘gifted’ to me by my middle and youngest children. They were big boofers and this caused my abdominal muscles to tear apart. My abs (or lack thereof) just couldn’t hold it together anymore. So I have to do a series of core strengthening exercises for this to repair. So back to the Pilates. I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed it. It’s not just the actual Pilates but the fact that I am doing something for me, caring about myself enough to make the effort puts me in a better place in my mind, not to mention the serotonin released through exercise that just empowers me for the rest of the day.

When I signed up for the 12 week sessions, I walked out wondering if I had done the right thing. I felt guilt. Guilt for not being there that one day of the week when they wake in the morning (even though my husband is there and more than capable). Guilt for ‘making’ my husband ‘have to’ fill in for me whilst I do something fun (and critically important to my future health). That lasted until I had the first class. Now I walk out of the house and don’t even stop to check if there’s any bread in the pantry for their breakfast (ok, I admit it...I don’t check because I always make sure I have topped up on Friday). Well, I’m not a total bitch.

Pilates aside I started having dinners out with just my girlfriends maybe once every second month which gives me a break to eat a meal without my kids. I do still cook them dinner and make sure they have got to bed with a kiss from me because not feeling guilty about doing things for myself is not the same as not caring.

A mum I spoke to recently in a parent’s change room was running on five hours sleep and had two young kids to look after. When I asked about her family situation, she said she had help but didn’t.  This means there is help there if we ask for it and make it happen but otherwise, no – no one is going to offer to change the kids, make your lunch every now and then or give you an hour to sleep whilst they play with the kids.

I wish there was a secret formula that I could bottle and sell – but the truth is that everyone deserves to enjoy some of their own activities and no one is going to achieve them for you but you. If only we could be guilted into thinking our families happiness was reliant by our own, we would make such a greater effort to let go of some guilt and accept that we are doing the best job we can.

Affirmations

Daughter Z

If you have kids and you think they’re cute than I’d say you’re fairly normal. Unless of course you are my husband who tells it like it is about how messed up our babies looked as newborns. I would probably agree but I know this post could be found by them in the future so I’m not saying I agree but, well, everyone over the age of four just read between the lines. Wink, wink.

Most of us love sharing our stories and pictures of kids, sometimes even with total strangers. So it is no wonder that recently when the Bonds Baby Competition was on, lots and lots of babies were entered. Thanks to some bored people out there, a few not nice comments were posted beneath some other people’s babies. Shame on them.  Of course the media jumped in to discuss the need for parents to have external validation that yes, their child is cute. Not just to them but to others too.

The need to be as good as or better than others, to feel accepted and normal is part of some people’s nature. I’m not like that of course. I’m better than that (oh that’s the same isn’t it?). I am not very creative and can’t draw to save myself but every now and then I have a crafty idea that I try to see through with the kids. I am brave with my children’s craft activities as they can’t really see how bad mummy is at drawing (plus I’m still better than them! No, we don’t need to discuss their ages just now).

Recently we made this schedule calendar thingy for my older daughter A.

Daughter A with our creation

We made it so she could start to learn the days of the week and as a visual prompt for what was happening the next day and as she has two different teachers at kinder, she could see which teacher she had on which day. It took about two weeks to complete with the developing of photos, waiting for paint to dry (we literally waited around for it to dry), and buying all the bits and pieces I thought of as it went -a very organised approach! Once it was all finished and done, I felt the need to show people. But who would be as excited as I was? My husband? Nope. My daughter’s grandparents? Yes, but only because they were proud of what my daughter had painted and done. Hmm.

We took it into kinder and showed one of the teachers who appear on the calendar. She was very impressed. So impressed that she took a photo of it to use as an idea in the future. A smart person using my idea. Affirmation; check. I found myself asking for a gold star for my nose but when she responded with “We’ll see you at pick up”, I realised it was just the voice of the little kid inside my head and I hadn’t actually said anything at all. Just as well.

I’ve been thinking about signing my kids up with an agency for magazine shoots, tv etc for a while but have wondered if I would be seen as one of those parents at the shopping centre who lines up to have their child judged. I used to judge the parents instead, but now I sorta understand. I think.

It’s okay to be proud of your kiddies and think they are good enough to be suitable to be the face of Bonds, cutest baby at Suburban Shoppingtown or appear in an add through being registered at an agency. And I can see now that this is not about external affirmation after all, but just of that which comes from a parent who loves their bubb so much that they want to share them with the world. Truly, madly, deeply.

For your eyes only

As a kid, I used to keep a journal and hoped no one would read it. It was in a very secret location (in a box under my bed) and I used to write about things I did, what the weather was like that day and other general stuff. So as you can see, it was of an extremely private nature...that is unless you had the weather channel :)
Now as a grown up kid, I find I am still very private about certain things - not so much about my thoughts on the weather, but about my own space and time alone.
Much to my shock, I only came to know this about myself when I was pregnant with my 2nd child, Z, building our extension and I had several tradies walking in and out of my house well, like it wasn't mine at all. And as for the having time to myself aspect of my life...I have 3 kids under 4 and time in itself is non existent and having any of it to myself is a rarity. That being said, I decided to start this blog. A very un-private thing to do; to share my thoughts, to tell my stories and to just have something that is mine again. Just mine.

This blog is for me to think out loud so to speak on a mixed bag in general, to adore my kiddies (my mmmlicious3), to rant about what yummies I have managed to cook up and any thing else that crosses my path. It is for your eyes only should you chose to enjoy.